Are you an introvert? Afraid of anger? Your own and other people’s?
You’re not alone. We introverts are famous for becoming clams when we’re hurt or affronted. After all, anger can involve raised voices, threatening language – all that over-stimulation against which we try to protect ourselves.
The Bad
When we feel threatened, we introverts tend to pull into our shells to wait out the storm. Cowering in there, we re-play all of the scenes that distressed us: the frustration of feeling blocked, the seemingly unkind comment, the raised voice that sounded, at least to us, like a shout, the slight sneer we think we detected on the other person’s face…oh, the unfairness of it all.
This pulling-in becomes a habit that we activate at the slightest hint that something distressing will occur. It too quickly becomes a way of life: threat, retreat, re-hash.
It gets very crowded in that clamshell.
You can only do this so many times before the scene turns downright ugly. Not because of the other person, because of the phenomenon of the Exploding Clam.
The Downright Ugly: The Exploding Clam
Even placid clams can get enough. After all, there’s only so much room in that clamshell, right? You, plus all the hurt and anger, piling up.
That’s when the Clam explodes, not over an important issue, but often over something trivial. It’s Just The Last Straw! “Why do you always put away an empty ice cube tray after you’ve used what you want?” “What makes you think I want anchovies on the pizza?”
The problem is that no one sees it coming, including the perpetrator. It just bursts out. Who could predict that finding the ice cube tray empty once again would trigger the start of WWIII?
And the Clam is shaken by having this unfamiliar energy burst forth, and so retreats again into the clamshell, feeling embarrassed and muttering, “Nothing. Everything’s fine.” when pressed for an explanation.
The Good
Successful, confident introverts recognize that it’s not about the ice cube tray, the anchovies on the pizza, or the shoes left (yet again) on the stairs.
It’s generally about a sense of a loss of power. So it’s good to ask yourself, “Why did I give away my power?” “To whom did I give it?” “Why?”
Only then can you convince yourself that it’s really better and easier on everyone, including you, just to address the real issue: “This relationship isn’t quite going the way I would like.” Or, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and needing help.” Or a thousand other issues that make us feel helpless.
Speaking up about what you want and need doesn’t mean you’re aggressive, a bully, or even (gasp) an extrovert. It means you respect yourself and the people around you.
So, what have you got stuffed into your clamshell?
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Lynette Crane is a Minneapolis-based speaker, writer, and coach. She has more than 30 years’ experience in the field of stress and time management and personal growth. Her latest book is The Confident Introvert, written to help introverts overcome the stress of living in a culture that idealizes extroversion, so that they can thrive, and not just survive.Visit her website at http://www.creativelifechanges.com/ to see more in-depth articles and to view her programs.
Hi. I said something that really angered my fiance and he now won’t talk,for the past 2wks ending today. I love him so much and want the best for us but have had a problem with his communication skills and his somewhat selfish nature. This he takes as complaining and it may be coming out as nagging.
What do I need to do now? I’m ready to work on myself and not focus much on the negative.
please answer me. Thanks in advance.
This is an excellent post. I am keenly aware of my clamshell habit. But I did not know it was an introvert thing. Of course, it seems perfectly normal. How else should you respond to an offense? LOL! Thanks for helping me get out of my own way.
Hi, Danita,
Hope you areing find some acceptable ways to express negative feelings before the “clam” explodes.
Yours for a less stressful life!
Lynette
That insight’s just what I’ve been looking for. Thanks!
Awesome site! You’ve some quite interesting posts.. Nice background too haha. Keep up the nice work, Ill make sure to come across and find out really your page!
My husband and I have been having progressively worsening issues with communication. He just began understanding introversion vs extroversion, and he tends to now use his introversion as a justification of coming across as downright mean to me.
“I’m never doing anything for you again!”
Exploding and not speaking to me for weeks. Then blaming me when I don’t communicate with him because I’m tired of being hurt.
Ana,
When introverts and extroverts share a relationship, both need to have a commitment to reaching out, communicating, and helping each other meet his/her needs.
First of all, “understanding introversion” shouldn’t result in “progressively worsening issues with communication”.
You’re reading my article, so I am assuming you are making some efforts in that direction.
Some introverts, however, think the world should understand their nature (it should) and that they have no responsibility to return the favor (they do.) His behavior sounds very dysfunctional, but since he isn’t asking for my advice, all I can say is that I hope you can persuade him to go to some relationship counseling with you. Please understand that this is not typical or healthy introvert behavior that he is displaying, but instead is very selfish.
My best wishes to you as you work to make your relationship better. You should’t be doing it alone.
As I sit here weeping tears after last nights office Christmas party fiasco, I am searching for answers. I know that I am an introvert. I tick every box. I have always known. Sometimes I just need someone to analyse it for me and put it into words. Lynette, you have done that and it helps greatly. My anxiety is high at the moment and I have been re-playing last nights party over and over , my distress, what was said to me, how I felt, how I responded. I felt like a square peg in a round hole. I found myself at the end of table, alone with two spare chairs next to me. I felt so hurt. Everyone else had a colleague to chat to, but not me. I busied myself taking photos of everyone at the table just to appear part of it but I wanted to run away. No one took a photo of me. I called my husband to give me a lift home. The only place I like to be. Why did I agree to go. Now I am over stimulated and screwed up and I hate everyone because they just don’t ‘get’ me. I just want to do my job and not be invited to office parties. I now feel humiliated, pitied, disliked. In short, the office outcast. It will take me some days to get through this. I feel angry because I have malfunctioned. I shouldn’t have gone to the party just because it was expected of me. Now, as usual, I am paying the price.
Jennifer,
What you have written really touches my heart, because you are describing so many experiences I have had in my life as an introvert. I remember those situations well: how puzzled and hurt I felt, how I longed rush away to be by myself, only to find I wasn’t necessarily happy there, either.
Perhaps you have experienced, as I did, not only the feeling of being overlooked but of having comments addressed to you that were hurtful and suggested you had done something wrong to others, when in fact you have not.
Jennifer, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can be connected to other people, even in your workplace, who like and support you – without having to give up being an introvert, that quiet, thoughtful person you value.
Other people are puzzled by introverts, finding us mysterious, and that puzzlement turns into rejection and fear of the unknown. Yes, fear of quiet you!
That’s why I set out, over thirty years ago, to find the “secret sauce” of human relationships, a secret sauce that would bring to me the loving support I wanted without having to be anybody else.
I’m starting with two assumptions here: you have a feeling there are very few people in the world who understand you and accept you, and you feel uncomfortable with small talk. If I’m right, the following suggestions should help you.
Here’s an exercise I give clients to start with: every day, when meeting other people, including co-workers, store clerks, bank tellers, receptionists in your doctors’ offices – whatever – really look at that person and ask yourself, “What do I see in this person that is likeable? What is there that is similar to me?”
You see, you may have been thinking, “This person isn’t like me. This person wouldn’t understand me”, and then dismissing them from your consciousness.
This exercise opens up a whole new world of possibilities for you
The next step: start commenting on the positive things you see in others. Start with people you don’t know and are unlikely to see again, at least in social capacity, such as the grocery clerk. That clerk is probably working hard to satisfy the increased flood of traffic at the holiday season, and it still managing to be pleasant and to greet customers cheerfully. You will never know how much that little bit of thoughtfulness will mean to this person, who may be a single parent working overtime to provide a great Christmas for their. They may be working hard and cheerfully despite the heartache of the death of a loved one, or a divorce, or a serious illness…the list can be long.
After a few weeks, start repeating this exercise with people at work. Invite one of your quieter co-workers to have coffee with you. Relate kindly and mindfully to people one at a time, listen to them without interjecting too much judgment, and respond to them positively.
The next step: small talk. This is already a long response to a blog post, so I am actually going to suggest instead that you read my book, The Confident Introvert. I think you may find a lot of material in there that relates to where you are right now, including how to hold conversations that don’t drain you.,
The next Christmas Party at work can be very different for you. Hang in there; let me know how you are doing.
Thank you so much for your reply Lynette. Your understanding got my tears welling up again. Yes, everything you say is correct and I guess my clam shell certainly exploded and the debris hasn’t completely settled yet. I ordered your book as suggested. Amazingly, as I am typing this reply the door buzzer has just sounded and it was the courier delivering the book. I am not yet feeling in the right frame of mind to start reading it as I still have lingering thoughts of the dreadful Christmas party. I need to start reading it with a clearer head so that hopefully I can learn from it. I will post an update when I have read it.
Many thanks again.