{"id":1072,"date":"2012-04-02T12:56:19","date_gmt":"2012-04-02T12:56:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/creativelifechanges.com\/?p=1072"},"modified":"2024-02-20T03:33:01","modified_gmt":"2024-02-20T03:33:01","slug":"take-charge-of-your-stressful-assumptions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/quietbrillianceconsulting.com\/take-charge-of-your-stressful-assumptions\/","title":{"rendered":"Take charge of your stressful assumptions"},"content":{"rendered":"

Personal note<\/span><\/h2>\n
Last week was a whirlwind of activity, ending with the Bloomington Writers\u2019 Festival (9th<\/sup>year!) on Saturday.<\/span><\/div>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
It was inspiring to see so many writers proudly displaying their creations, which were often based on personal experiences that would have felled a lesser person.<\/span><\/div>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
I was there as a volunteer, checking people in, along with many friends from WOW (Women of Words<\/strong>), a\u00a0 group of women who continue to grow and prosper in astonishing ways through mutual support and sharing. \u00a0I am a WOW member and profoundly grateful for that privilege, without which I would not be where I am now.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/span><\/div>\n
\n

Take charge of your stressful assumptions<\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

It has been said that the bulk of aggression in the world is the result of poor communication.\u00a0<\/strong> Sometimes the wrong words are chosen; sometimes the wrong words are heard.<\/span><\/p>\n

In addition to someone producing a communication and another person hearing that communication, there is another layer: the assumptions we make about what we hear.\u00a0 We assume a certain intent, a possible threat, and then we create stories around what that is going to mean to us \u2013 in the future.<\/span><\/p>\n

Someone once compared this process to looking at a door of a house and imagining all the rooms behind that door, their furnishings, and the activities that take place in those rooms.\u00a0 It\u2019s a lovely creative process, but in communication it is misplaced.\u00a0 We not only set in motion stressful processes that undermine our health and age our bodies, but we set in motion actions that can undermine and even destroy relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why do we do this?\u00a0<\/strong> It\u2019s a form of self defense:\u00a0 a pre-emptive strike to protect ourselves against the possibility of threat.\u00a0 It not only doesn\u2019t work, but it may make us feel even more threatened than before.\u00a0 Sharon Ellison, expert on non-defensive communication notes that confidence, competence, and even the ability to learn diminish after responding in a defensive manner.<\/span><\/p>\n

Here are some steps to take when a communication seems to be causing you stress:<\/span><\/p>\n

Pause and consider what the threat seems to be:\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>The pause is important because the urgent feeling that stress produces in us often causes us to take action first, and reflect later.<\/span><\/p>\n

In your pause, consider how you are feeling.\u00a0 Sad?\u00a0 Scared?\u00a0 Angry?<\/strong>\u00a0 Did you feel your attractiveness or your skills were being underrated because the speaker praised someone else, or offered you some advice?\u00a0 Did you then assume that the relationship was going to proceed, or even escalate, into something even more negative?<\/span><\/p>\n

Ask yourself if this has happened before, and if so, how often?\u00a0 The more often this same thing has happened in your life, the more likely it is that the challenge is within yourself, not in the other person.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ask questions to clarify<\/em><\/strong>: If someone says, \u201cThere\u2019s another way to do that,\u201d and you feel a flash of anger at the implied criticism, you could ask, \u201cAre you critical of the way I am doing this?\u201d\u00a0 You may find that the other person is surprised at the impact of what seemed, to the speaker, to be an informative remark.\u00a0 You can now have a more open discussion about what\u2019s really going on.<\/span><\/p>\n

Reflect:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 Ask yourself, \u201cIs this episode worth my attention?\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIs the person or activity important enough to me that I am going to spend time worrying or worse yet, avoiding a situation I might otherwise have enjoyed?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Communicate\/Negotiate:<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0 It takes a certain amount of courage to say, \u201cWhen you said\u00a0 \u2026 , I felt\u2026. (sad, angry, depressed, etc).\u201d\u00a0 The other person may be genuinely startled at this revelation, having intended something else entirely.<\/span><\/p>\n

Ask for the change you would like:\u00a0 \u201cI\u2019d appreciate it if you wouldn\u2019t criticize me in front of other people. Perhaps you could take me aside and tell me your concerns.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Take action:\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/strong>Inaction is sometimes appropriate: you decide no action is necessary because it\u2019s not worth the battle or it isn\u2019t high on your list of priorities.<\/span><\/p>\n

But if the situation is important enough to you, suggest two outcomes:\u00a0 \u201cIf you continue to criticize me in front of others, I don\u2019t want to work with you any more.\u00a0 But if you handle it the way I suggested, I would enjoy continuing to work with you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Notice that \u201ctake action\u201d is the last step.\u00a0 It\u2019s that old problem: the urgency of the stress response. We feel something must be done right now or else \u2026 or else what?<\/span><\/p>\n

We go off and feel less confident, less competent, and even a little stupid?\u00a0 How is this a win?<\/span><\/p>\n

Instead of creating and furnishing mental \u201chouses\u201d filled with potential strife, save your creative abilities for activities that bring genuine value to your life and to the world.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Personal note Last week was a whirlwind of activity, ending with the Bloomington Writers\u2019 Festival (9thyear!) on Saturday. \u00a0 \u00a0 It was inspiring to see so many writers proudly displaying their creations, which were often based on personal experiences that would have felled a lesser person. \u00a0 \u00a0 I was there as a volunteer, checking […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[7],"tags":[201,202,11,203,204,89,205,206,207],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nTake charge of your stressful assumptions - 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